CHALLENGING THE STATUS QUO: Top Ten Reasons to Love Facebook

#10. Your closest friends aren’t on Facebook anyway.

My best friend from college is not on Facebook. My brother is not. My parents are not. And yet I have no problem keeping in touch with those people, sharing photographs or other content and making arrangements for visits. Even those who do have Facebook accounts, like my wife or coworkers, don’t use Facebook as a means to interact with me. In your real relationships, Facebook is entirely superfluous.

Your fake relationships are another matter.

#9.Finding friends who aren’t your friends (or them finding you).

You’ll get requests from people you barely met, or have never met. You won’t bond with them or develop a real friendship, but you’ll be able to peruse their favorite tv shows whenever you’re tired of watching yours. At the extreme end of the spectrum are those people you’d rather have nothing to do with who find you and friend you on Facebook.

“Facebook…an easier, more subtle way to be your stalker.”

#8. Feeling Guilty for Birthdays You Never Would Have Discovered Otherwise

When you live in different cities, unless you’re still the best of friends, it’s unlikely you know someone’s birthday. In fact, there are millions of people living in New York, L.A., and Houston whose birthdays I confess I do not know. Yet if they’re your Facebook friends, you’re obligated to leave a string of birthday wishes on their Wall on the appropriate day. Woe to those who log in the day after and must peruse with shame the well-wishing that preceded them.

Best of all, this saves you from actually making a phone call, getting a card or a real gift for your real friends. Birthday wishes without any effort whatsoever…that’s what being a hard-working American is all about.

#7. Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Anyway?

We don’t. That’s why instead of getting a second job, studying another language, or taking classes on investing, we spend our free time updating our status to “Ow, my tummy hurts” and changing our relationship to “It’s Complicated” so that we don’t have to select “single”. Guilt-tripping friends (real and imaginary) into playing mindless games without a real collaborative component is so much more rewarding than learning an instrument or saving some extra money. Finally…there’s a way to waste time without television or porn.

Thank you, Facebook!

#6. Your Real Yearbooks Will Be Lame

Filled with static, unchanging pictures (some in black and white!), your friends and acquaintances and enemies are forever immortalized on your bookshelves. But why crack those dusty tomes when you can view recent pictures of Suzie’s children, Jack’s new car, and Rufus’ trip to the beach? I’m afraid your old yearbook just doesn’t cut it any more.

#5. Zombie Robot Pirate Cops & Robber Feudal Mafia Knight Star Wars Ninja Games

A thousand games, each more ridiculous than the last, will have your friends in an uproar of laughter and “points”, some of which charge real cash to progress in. If such a game has two teams, you’ll be invited to both hundreds of times. Participating is a time sink without real social exchange, and yet deleting the invitations is still almost as much of a time sink.

Not only that, but the relentless congregation of myriad genres lends itself to this trope. But you’ll be the Mafia King who is one with the Force. Congratulations.

#4. Invitations to Causes You Hate

It’s inevitable. You can have so many friends on Facebook that you’ll be asked to join a cause or group. Did I say “a” cause? I meant a hundred. And if you’re a member of PETA, one of them will undoubtedly be “Baby Seal Hunting Club.” If you’re a staunch pro-lifer, you’ll eventually be invited to “The Compassionate Citizens’ Campaign to Legalize Full-Term and Day-After-Birth Abortions”. If you’re black, you’ll be invited to join the KKK.

It’s just one more way for your many Facebook “friends” to prove they don’t know you or care one whit what you actually believe.

#3. Deliberately Viral Interactions

Every app or quiz wants you to forward it to X number of additional people. This extra page will undoubtedly stand between you and the results of your quiz, in addition to flooding the inboxes of your friends.

Even better, if you have 100 friends on Facebook and you asked each of them to take 5 quizzes, That’s 500 quiz results for you to read! You certainly won’t need to worry about that promotion anymore.

#2. Invitations to Events You’ll Never Even Consider

Underclassmen from your Alma Mater are the best at this, throwing you invites to every little concert or open mic night even though you’re now halfway across the state (if not the country). If you got one per year and it had a reunion-type quality to it, sure, you might go. When you get them three times per week and they’re just local gatherings, it’s icing on the cake, proving once and for all that you’re very popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people who don’t even know where you live.

And the #1 Reason to Love Facebook is…

It takes all the magic out of reunions.

You’ve finally caught up with that long-lost crush from high school. That best friend from on eon ago that you never thought you’d see. Huzzah! You exchange emails. You exchange life stories. You might even meet for coffee…and then what?

They become lost in the Facebook sea. Just another face in a crowd, no more or less special than anyone else. Chances are your sweetest crush now weighs three times as much and has a parole officer. On the flip side, that jerk you hated with bad grades and a flock seagulls haircut actually is a millionaire now, proving once again that the best revenge is living well. More power to him…you’ve got zombie ninjas to kill.

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